Former Texturite Julia
Goolia in a state of
righteous indignation.

Paul James Dennehey
Staff Writer

You think the Catherine Wheel has it rough? You obviously don’t know what some of their fans have to go through.

For instance, Julia Goolia, a life-long resident of the small town of Eh, Canada, recently was forced to announce her secession from Texture, the CW email list.

Her troubles began earlier this month, when list members disputed the credibility of her favorite book, The Bible Code, and mocked the Toronto psychic who predicted US President George W. Bush’s upcoming assassination.

In addition, some list members went so far as to assert that Canadians have “cooties,” a rumor Goolia decries as patently false: “I’ve never seen a cootie on anyone here, y’know? I don‘t know where they’re gettin’ that from, for Chris’ sakes! I can’t believe they would lie like that, y’know?

“I’ve just aboot had it with Americans,” Goolia continued. “And they shouldn’t be surprised that I hate ‘em… They won’t even admit Canada’s their truest friend, y’know?”

When asked how it was possible for one to hate one’s truest friend, Goolia answered simply: “Smart ass.”

People seem to enjoy targeting Goolia in particular, she said.

“Each and every time I make a comment, it gets completely sidetracked and narrow-mindedly criticized, y’know?” Goolia explained. “But then it’s okey-dokey when other people make narrow-minded comments… That ain’t the right way to be, eh? Pretty unfair, eh? Everyone gets away with everything, except me! And everyone’s narrow-minded! Except me!

“Obviously, it’s because I’m Canadian. All Americans stereotype Canadians. Every last American is nothing but a dirty stereotyper.”

Goolia continued: “I mean, listen to this, eh? Everybody’s talkin’ aboot leaf-blowers, right? So, I say I saw a place by my work where they were sellin’ snow-blowers, right? I mean, leaf-blowers, snow-blowers, right? So here I am, all tryin’ to contribute, and they all go dead! Not a word, y’know? Narrow-minded!”

So, in the spirit of not being so narrow-minded, Goolia has adopted a new policy: “I’ve decided to hate all Catherine Wheel fans except the ones who give me videos, and filter out all of the emails in which people respond to what I say.”

Goolia works in her garden.

An especially robust filter has been applied to the email addresses of “bigger” list members such as Brian “Ball-Buster” Bergtold and Brittany “Tha Bitch” Hendrick. These and other powerful list members bully the others into picking on innocents such as Goolia. Then they stand by and watch the innocents suffer.

“It’s a big conspiracy! A really tense environment, y’know?” Goolia said. “I’m just glad I got out of it when I did, eh?”

Bergtold received the news of Goolia’s departure unhappily.

“Fuck!” he said, slamming his fist on the nearest table. “What the fuck am I gonna do, man? Next thing you know all of the Canadians will be taking off! Who will be left for us to narrow-mindedly criticize?”

Catherine Wheel Manager Merck Mercuriadis reacted similarly.

“This is depressing news,” he said. “We feel so terrible about Julia’s departure that we’re postponing all band-related activity for five years.”

So what is Goolia doing to relax, away from the maddening list?

“Well, obviously, I watch a lot of hockey—I mean, who doesn’t, eh?—and I work in my garden,” she said.

Goolia’s garden consists of a number of green, budding plants of unknown origin.

“They’re so pretty, eh?” Goolia said. “Not like Americans.”

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