A heartwarming interview
with Brittany Hendrick
Co-Editor in Chief
Brittany Hendrick: Hi, Rob! Thanks for doing this interview with me! All the fans out there will certainly appreciate it!
Rob Dickinson: No problem, Bethany!
Rob: Make it snappy. I have to take my Porsche, Ariel, for her daily detail at 3:00.
Britt: [incredulous] You detail your car every day?!
Rob: Yeees. Every day.
Britt: [incredulous] You named your car?!
Rob: Do you own a Porsche?
Rob: Then you wouldn’t know anything about expensive, overrated yet massively popular German sportscars, and why they must be detailed every day. And be given female names.
Britt: I know I don’t know; that’s why I’m asking you. Look, just…forget it.
Britt: How do you feel about pickup trucks?
Britt: Ok! So, you guys just finished up a tour. How did it go?
Rob: Yes, we just got done touring Wales and the UK, and it went extremely well.
Rob: We just got done tou—
Britt: No, no…isn’t Wales a part of the UK?
Rob: Are you from Wales or the UK?
Rob: Then you wouldn’t know. What do they teach you kids in Americur, anyway?
Britt: So, this would be equivalent to me saying “California and the US,” right? Heh heh.
Rob: We had a fantastic time, even though the schedule was murdeer on us!
Britt: What does venison have to do with anything?
Rob: Oh, Mount Vinson! What a lovely place! Merck took me snowskiing there! I think it’s in Nova Scotia, near Banff…I don’t know. It’s all snowy.
Britt: [long silence]
Rob: Yes, I, too, am picturing the fluffy beauty of the slopes, right this instant!
Britt: You said—
Rob: Now, what was it you wanted to ask me?
Britt: You said “murdeer.”
Rob: I did nothing of the sort! I said “murdeer!”
Britt: OK, nevermind—
Rob: I’m not following. Explain.
Britt: Like [feigns redneck accent] “I’s needin’ t’keel suhm mur’deer this huntin’ season!”
Rob: I didn’t understand a single word you just said.
Britt: Are you from the southeastern US?
Britt: Then you wouldn’t know what murdeer is. Hahaha! Ha! Ha…
Britt: Moving on…what are your thoughts on Texture, your internet fanbase?
Rob: That website has lots of weird people!
Britt: Sounds like you’re well-connected with the fans. Tell me more about this website. I don’t even own a cell phone, so I’m a bit behind on technology…
Rob: Everyone is just…insane! They write concert reviews fifteen minutes into our shows! Those people ruin everything!
Britt: Even though your setlists are pretty much the same, night after night.
Rob: Not true. I switched around two songs, one time. And another night, while in LA, I added a song to the setlist that I really wasn’t going to play! I even wrote down the lyrics and taped them to the stage! I went all out! [maniacally laughs]
Britt: Wow, you’re more mean than Merck is!
Rob: [laughs] Yeah! These two kids I met the night before actually believed I was going to play “Mouthful of Air!” [more uncontrollable laughter]
Britt: I bet they found it just as hilarious as you do.
Rob: No, here is something hilarious…
Britt: What’s that.
Rob: Did you know that Trent Reznor’s a homosexual!
Britt: No, but how thoughtful of you to save Trent the trouble of telling everyone himself.
Rob: I always look out for my alterna-bros. Sometimes, Texture can be informative. Did you know that I absolutely drip with sweat while onstage? I never knew!
Rob: Yeah! I always thought it was Neil was spitting on me because he knew I’d never turn away from my adoring fans long enough to pound his ass! But sometimes, Texture is full of gossip.
Britt: Kind of like the Chrome being out of print rumor, huh.
Britt: So…is Chrome out of print?
Rob: Is Chrome out of prinT. Fuck if I know. But this guy from LA, Mark Roberton, knows. Or I can ask Dave. Actually, I’ll have to ask Merck to ask Ben to ask Brian to ask Dave.
Britt: The last album seems to have taken on a different direction, as it’s shorter in length. Was that a conscious decision?
Rob: Yes. Yes, it was. I found that the greatest albums, Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd albums, lasted 45 minutes because there was 20 minutes of vinyl on one side and 20 on the other.
Britt: Um, isn’t 20—
Rob: [excitedly] You get just the right amount of music, flip the record over, and then you get another good 20 minutes! And you only have to get up out of your chair once—it’s really convenient for stoners.
Britt: Even though your two previous vinyl releases have been double albums…
Rob: Oh, they were? Hm, Dave never told me. Not that I talked to him, anyway.
Britt: Oh…Um, you still seem pretty virile at your age! How do you go about meeting women?
Rob: Meeting women.
Britt: Yeah, you know: those curvy, small-boned, high-pitched, hormonally imbalanced beings.
Rob: Whoever said I didn’t meet women?
Britt: Well, no one, I was just—
Rob: I meet women all the time!
Britt: Right, but—ok, how do you get them to talk to you?
Rob: I pretend to be oblivious to my own surroundings and bump into them!
Britt: And…that works?
Rob: Actually, no. That’s why I’m still single. Sitting in a corner by myself works a bit better. I look so pathetic, all by myself against a crowd, that the women feel sorry for me. [laughs] Gentleman in waiting! [laughs again]
Rob: And during our last US tour, I discovered that bottoming out the clutch on American imitation sports cars is far more effective than anything I’ve ever done!
Britt: Is that so! I’m not very good at driving a 5-speed. How would I qualify in the scheme of things?
Rob: Do you own a sports car?
Rob: Then you wouldn’t qualify at all. That reminds me, I need to get going. I also promised Merck I’d catch a Blue Jays game with him tomorrow, so that means I’ll be flying out to Vancouver tonight.
Britt: Uh, the Blue Jays—
Rob: Merck told me you didn’t get Wishville.
Britt: Oh. He promised he wouldn’t tell…
Rob: Nothing to be ashamed of! If you need a copy of Wishville, I can send you one.
Britt: What? Oh.
Rob: Don’t be embarrassed! I can find a copy to give you. I know some people are busy and are unable to get albums as soon as they—
Britt: No, I have Wishville!
Rob: Oh! You finally got it, then! Good.
Britt: Umm… Yes! Yes, I finally went to the store and purchased it. I have it. I own it. I acquired it.
Rob: Okay, then! I REALLY must go now. Bye, Brianna! Let’s go, Ariel, baby. Daddy doesn’t like to be late. [gets into Porsche]
Britt: That’s…Brittany…. B-R-I-T-T—[rest drowned out by cacophony of clutch and misguided gears]