July 23, 2004
Los Angeles, CA
Greetings to all Rob Dickinson fans—or Catherine Wheel fans, if indeed there are any remaining.
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Futter has graciously donated this space and proofread this letter so that I may describe to you an organisation that is very close to my heart—an organisation that I founded, actually: THE SOCIETY FOR THE MAKESURANCE THAT THERE ARE NO MORE CATWOMANS.
What is the purpose of this society, you ask? Quite simply, I wish to organise a worldwide boycott of the movie CATWOMAN, released today, July 23, 2004, my birthday, the most important day in the world.
The reason I am devoting my attention to this cause, when I quite clearly could be spending my birthday chasing tail, is because the current incarnation of CATWOMAN threatens to undermine the popularity of the role pioneered by Eartha Kitt in the 1960s. While your minds are on frivolous wars, presidents and so on, I and the SMTANMC will be leading the worldwide effort to increase awareness of Kitt’s genius. We seek to STOP all blasphemous derivatives dead in their tracks.
Needless to say, despite her undeniable beauty, Halle Berry is no Eartha. She can’t act. She can’t sing. Her face lacks the necessary surface tension required to hold the correct amount of makeup. And she definitely can’t purr like Eartha.
In short, it’s a no-brainer, which is why I’ve taken charge of this movement. Eartha should and will be the ONLY CATWOMAN, from now until eternity.
If you’re really a fan, if you really want to see me put out a solo CD someday, I urge you to BOYCOTT CATWOMAN. I mean this. If the movie grosses over $60 million worldwide, there will be no solo CD for you.
How can you resist the temptation? Simple. When you feel as though you must partake of some art form with the initials “CW,” I suggest COUNTRY & WESTERN.
Oh yes… I suppose you could listen to Catherine Wheel as well.
If you absolutely MUST go see a movie this weekend, there is a perfectly viable alternative, The Bourne Supremacy, the Matt Damon thriller from Universal. You like Matt Damon, right? Well then, the choice is obvious! Go see Matt Mother Fucking Damon! You jerk! I mean, God! It’s critically acclaimed and everything! The Chicago Tribune gives it three and a half fucking stars! All right?
I think I’ve made my point. So, after you bask in Matt Damon’s glory, please join THE SOCIETY FOR THE MAKESURANCE THAT THERE ARE NO MORE CATWOMANS. I appreciate your attention—and remember, $60 mil, no CD!
UPDATE (01 Aug 2004): YOU ARE STILL IN THE OK ZONE
I, Rob Dickinson, am vaguely impressed. Not only did The Bourne Supremacy carry the weekend (and is now inching toward an impressive $100 million), but CATWOMAN, the bane of my existence, is by all measures a colossal failure, having grossed only $29.4 million. That still seems a bit too close for comfort! $60 million is not entirely out of reach! You must try harder. Convince your friends not to go. Pass out pamphlets! I have spoken!
UPDATE (13 Sep 2005):
Um, what the fuck is this page about, again?