Co-Editor In Chief
Wal-Mart representatives emphasized their “shock and dismay” as they held a press conference yesterday announcing the eradication of an uncensored copy of the Catherine Wheel’s Adam and Eve from one of their stores.
An employee in the electronics department of a Lubbock, Texas, Wal-Mart discovered the compact disc in the “W” section of the popular music rack Tuesday evening, according to a prepared statement read by Chet Wilford, district manager.
The disc, like hundreds of others sold at retail outlets nationwide, features a front cover photograph of nude women and men positioned variously in small, cell-like boxes. This is in striking contrast to the “clean” version authorized for sale at Wal-Mart, the cover of which features boxes without the nude bodies.
According to the statement, the young employee (who has not yet been identified) was simply taking inventory in the section when he “glanced at the cover and was immediately mesmerized” by the nude figures. He had reportedly been studying the cover for nearly 30 seconds when a store manager walked by, noted the employee’s “reddened color,” and confiscated the disc.
“The employee was instructed to rinse in the warehouse shower, typically only used by forklift drivers in the event of a chemical burn. After this shower, the boy regained his normal, healthy, pure white color,” the statement continued.
“While we are pleased to have dealt with this problem so quickly, and apparently with no ill effects, we find it difficult to believe that someone would maliciously plant such an offensive piece of merchandise in a store well known for its wholesomeness,” the statement concluded. “Our goal is to create an environment where adults, children and seniors can shop comfortably, but this goal is severely compromised with the introduction of pornography into our inventory. We encourage our employees to be mindful of this danger at all times.”
After he read the statement, Wilford was asked whether he’d seen the CD in question.
“Nope,” he said, “Hain’t seen it. Only heard about it. But I spoke directly with the young feller who picked it up, an’ he says there was naked women all over it, and just as many naked men. That’s all I need to hear. I don’t wanna see it. For all I know, there’s people fornicatin’ on that cover. Now, I ask you: Is that what we want in Wal-Mart, people fornicatin’? Don’t believe so, nope. Hence the dismayment on the part of our execs.”
When asked if the cover could be seen as artistic, Wilford responded, “I don’t know much about art, but let’s get this straight: you tell a 16-year-old boy there’s a record cover with hooters and willies on it, and that kid ain’t gonna give a flyin’ hoot about no Norman Rockwell or Patrick Picasso. He’s gonna run off in the corner with it, or take that CD over to his girlfriend’s and Lord knows what they’ll do with it.”
Wilford continued, “These record companies in Hollywood or Nashville or wherever they are like to do whatever they damn well please. That includes incitin’ the lustful fires of our impressionable youth, the majority of which couldn’t even tell ya how to SPELL abstinence, much less practice it. Our business just happens to be opposed to people getting all hot ‘n’ bothered like that while shoppin’ at Wal-Mart.
“Now, whatever you wanna do in your bedroom, or the bed of your pickup, or in your woodshed, or way out back in the bushes in the city park, that ain’t nobody’s business. Just don’t bring it in here.
“Now, I know what you liberal media are thinking: “‘buncha prudes over at Wal-Mart.'” But don’t get me wrong,” Wilford rapidly continued. “If you want to have sex with your wife’s SLIGHTLY younger sister in HER waterbed, or you want to film a movie on the washer and dryer in your OWN basement, or pet your OWN horse all funny-like—y’know, on the UNDERside of the horse—but it’s YOUR horse in YOUR stable, no problem. No problem at all. We just don’t like you doin’ that kind of stuff out in a public place like your friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart.”
When asked to explain the relevance of these lengthy comments, Wilford became notably animated.
“The relevance? You ask me what the relevance is?” Wilford said. “Why, you wouldn’t believe the things I’ve seen just on a routine scan with the security cameras at Wal-Mart. People have no shame, squeezin’ and gropin’ each other out by the Macadamia nuts, let me tell you it ain’t no pretty sight, even when the young girls are doin’ it. Why, I remember accidentally zoomin’ in on this one pretty little blond-haired girl, really cute, little short hair, mighta been 18, but didn’t look a day over 15 and a half—”
Inexplicably, Wal-Mart executives brought the press conference to an abrupt end at this point.
At the request of the ICBINF staff, Wilford continued the interview later in the day, while patrolling the electronics section where the disc was found. The employee mentioned in the statement was still on paid leave, Wilford said.
“This Catherine’s Wheel, I don’t know about them,” he said. “I don’t know what could be runnin’ through their heads to put this kind of garbage on a CD cover. But they’re foreigners, so I guess it stands to reason. Anyhow, now I gotta waste my precious time sortin’ through CDs, cleaning out all the OTHER garbage.”
Wilford then pointed to a large box on the floor, which he had been filling with CDs. In the box were a copy of Blind Faith’s eponymous release, one or two of the Cars’ Candy-O, several of Warrant’s Cherry Pie and nearly a hundred copies of Christina Aguilera’s Stripped, currently a best-seller at Wal-Mart.
“The big guys have instructed me to dispose of all these CDs personally,” Wilford said, “and THAT I am quite willin’ to do.”
When asked how Adam and Eve compared to other items carried by Wal-Mart, for instance the computer game Tomb Raider 4 (multiple copies of which were displayed quite openly just across the aisle from where the Catherine Wheel CD was found), Wilford answered quickly: “You hippies just don’t get it, do you? First of all, you’re comparin’ a pornographic CD cover with real naked people on it to a computer-generated woman [referring to the game’s heroine, Lara Croft] who is genuinely nice-looking and dressed up all tasteful-like. Just because she happens to have a tight, er, an attractive figure doesn’t mean she’s preyin’ on people’s lust. Fact is you cain’t even see her nipples unless you look really hard. And when you’re actually playing the game, you’ve pretty much got to know exactly when to pause it in order to see anything at all. Unless, of course, you have the director’s cut, which is only available at Best Buy.”
Wilford concluded: “Secondly, there are naked GUYS on that Catherine’s Wheel CD cover. So I rest my case.”