Co-Editor In Chief
Just call it drumming up trouble. Neil Sims has recently become a defendant in a civil lawsuit.
The Catherine Wheel drummer is accused of threatening the livelihood of the staff of a popular Internet website.
The suit, filed by I Can’t Believe It’s Not Futter, Inc., alleges that Sims is “impervious to satire” because he “never does anything newsworthy,” according to a legal brief received this morning at the offices of Sanctuary Music Group.
ICBINF operates a “suite” of web pages that use the real lives of Catherine Wheel members as fuel for hilarious, eye-watering, pseudo-journalistic stories. The problem with Sims, according to founder and Co-Editor in Chief Mike G., is that Sims offers nothing to satirize.
“The evidence is there,” G. said. “Just take a look at the site, and you’ll see the preponderance of [CW guitarist and vocalist] Rob Dickinson stories, relative to Neil stories.
“Quite simply, Neil is refusing to be eccentric. Therefore we are essentially losing 17-25% of our potential content, depending on how you figure in former band members and managers.”
“If you think about it,” Co-Editor in Chief Brittany H. stated, “Neil’s a boring, ordinary guy! He doesn’t even have any hair to make fun of, like [CW lead guitarist] Brian Futter. And bald humor is so passé! Completely unworkable.”
“All the other band members are cooperating,” Garcia added. “So we can’t fully understand why Neil isn’t.”
Telephone calls to Sims’ house yielded few results. Sims’ wife professed ignorance about the suit, and claimed her husband was unavailable for comment because he was “out playing Frisbee with the dog.”
“That doesn’t surprise me a bit,” a visibly bitter H. responded. “He’s always out having coffee, going to a movie, playing with his son, things like that. He is a sick, sick man.”
Sims’ unnewsworthy behavior is allegedly having a drastic effect. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Futter averages 780,000 hits per day, “but it could be over a million if we had the extra stories,” the brief states.
At this point, ICBINF, Inc. has no choice but to absorb their losses, G. said. “And many of us have families to feed.”
“I spend over sixty hours a week working on these pages,” influential Staff Writer Paul James D. said. “I’m barely paying for my wife’s breast augmentation as it is, especially with the completely outrageous price jump between D and DD cups?—and for Neil to be more or less stealing money out of my pocket, well, I think that’s hypocritical for the family man that he claims to be.”
“Yesterday I broke down and bought Herbal Essences conditioner,” H. said, holding back tears, “and today I’m probably going to have to eat spaghetti sauce from a jar!! I’m drinking Bud Light instead of Heineken, eating Quaker granola bars instead of PowerBars, and I haven’t been able to buy a pair of shoes since last Saturday! I don’t mean two days ago… I mean NINE days ago! Neil is ruining my life!”
How the site generates income is not yet known.
“I’m tired of having to curl up with a Japanese novel and suck my thumb every night before bed just because I’m stressed out about my financial situation,” G. said. “I think it’s time for some justice.”
The plaintiffs are seeking a monthly stipend of $230,000 apiece, or at the very least a permanent change of personality on Sims’ part.
“We like the band, so we’d rather not reduce Neil to bankruptcy,” G. said, “so let’s try to work this out. All he’d have to do is something small. He could start wearing frilly undies, or develop a secret love for beef jerky. Maybe he could grow another toe on one foot. Or become a corporate suit in the oil industry. The possibilities are endless if he’d just try!”
G. said the company would also consider dropping the suit if the band scheduled four concert dates apiece for Portland and Atlanta on their next tour.