Dickinson plans secret wedding, loses temper

A photo of Kitt from a recent “Glamour Shots” session.

Mike G.
Co-Editor In Chief

Rob Dickinson had a reason for his recent outburst in the face of the press: nervousness.

In news that sent ripples of shock throughout the ranks of fans worldwide, the Catherine Wheel singer and guitarist announced that he had secretly wed Eartha Kitt, 75-year-old star of Boomerang and other films. The ceremony took place last Tuesday in a small church in northern California.

Until this announcement, no one had dared to speculate what made Dickinson “go ballistic,” as I Can’t Believe It’s Not Futter Co-Editor in Chief Brittany H. termed it, in an interview the day before.

“That [unpleasant individual] just about attacked me,” H. said after the incident. “He’d better watch it next time.”

H. had been questioning Dickinson on the meaning of the song “Lucifer,” when Dickinson stood up from his chair, gripped Hendrick by the lapels, and shouted, “It’s about Lucifer, stupid! You goddamned curly-haired American female! It’s about Lucifer! Oh, and for fuck’s sake, ‘Empty Head’ is not about masturbation! It’s about being fucking brainless, like you!”

Dickinson had to be restrained by 350-pound giant and bodybuilder Mike G., H.’s fellow co-editor, who was fortunately walking past the interview room on the way to the gym.

“The little fucker put up a good fight,” G. said. “But I put him in a sleeper hold and that was all she wrote.”

Dickinson phoned Hendrick the following afternoon to apologize. He admitted that he had been overly emotional, Hendrick said, but added that outside stress was the primary reason. It was then that Dickinson finally revealed his relationship with Kitt and the impending marriage.

“Yeah, I was a bit pissed off at him for flipping out on me,” Hendrick said, “but he gave me the scoop on Eartha, so all is forgiven. I’m a sucker for journalistic favors.”

Dickinson and Kitt were married less than a month later.

Now that the secret is out, Dickinson said, he feels much better. “It’s just so hard to be silent when you want to burst out and say, ‘I’m in love!’ But our band manager, Merck Mercuriadis, thought it would be best, in a public relations sense, to keep quiet. And you know Merck and public relations. Finally, though, I couldn’t keep the feelings in any longer.”

“It’s been a hidden relationship for too long,” Kitt said. “We feel so happy, now we can’t help shouting it out to the world.” Kitt, now in a second career as a singer, was also Catwoman in the Batman television series.

When asked what would attract a 35-year-old rock singer to an actress twice his age, Dickinson smiled and answered, “Chemistry, that’s all. Plus the fact that she has a massive Porsche collection.”

“This isn’t my first secret marriage, of course,” Dickinson continued. “I’ve been in seven, eight, over the years. . . I’m not sure how many, exactly. Some might still be active. You’d have to check the Catherine Wheel message board. They keep good track of things like that.”

Dickinson and Kitt honeymooned in Cleveland, then headed home “to start a family, if all works out right. I’m unsure of how that’s done,” Dickinson said.

“It’s a beautiful relationship,” Kitt said. “We laugh a lot. I call him Bob, he calls me Urethra. Ha ha.”


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