Interviewed by Mike Garcia
Co-Editor In Chief
Mike Garcia: Thanks for joining us, Rob.
Rob Dickinson: My pleasure.
Mike: We think the fans have a few fairly basic questions they’ve been dying to ask you. First of all, are you married?
Rob: Hmm. That’s a good question. Let me answer: yes and no.
Mike: Well, is it yes or no?
Mike: “No,” as in, “No, I’m not married,” or “no,” as in, “No, the answer is neither ‘yes’ nor ‘no'”?
Rob: Well, what’s the difference? I am what I am, either way.
Mike: Right, but is what you are… married?
Mike: Okay, we’ll come back to that. Here’s another question. How do you get the inspiration for your lyrics?
Rob: I write them down as they come to me.
Mike: Uh, well, that’s good! Is there anything that inspires you to write what you write?
Rob: Oh! Yes. This girl named Judy inspired “Judy Staring at the Sun.”
Mike: Ah! What’s the story behind that?
Rob: I told you, she bloody fucking inspired it. Do you know that word or do I need to buy you a dictionary?
Mike: Okay, great! Any other stories about inspiration?
Rob: Well, “Gasoline” is about gasoline, and “Kill Rhythm” is about murdeer.
Mike: Oh, you mean murder?
Rob: Sure, murder. You Americans, pronouncing everything as you see fit. Here, listen: s-u-p-e-r spells “supeer,” so m-u-r-d-e-r spells “murdeer.” Is that so complicated?
Mike: No, I guess not. Not after you explain it.
Rob: All right. Let’s move on. “Murrrrdurrrr!” [laughs]
Mike: Okay, another question: You’ve said some. . . odd things about Trent Reznor in the press recently—
Mike: —uh, what is your relationship with Trent?
Rob: Relationship? What do you mean?
Mike: Well, what gives you the basis—
Rob: Look, I don’t know what you’re trying to imply—I’ve never met—Mr. Reznor, as unfortunate as that may be. I happen to be in relationships with women right now. As usual.
Mike: Oh, really? You’re not kidding?
Rob: What makes you think I’m kidding?
Mike: No, you’re definitely not. What do you like about these women?
Rob: Sex, of course. I like sex with women. A lot. Heterosexual sex is good. I like to have it often.
Mike: Great! What do you like most about the female body?
Rob: The female body? Uh, well—I don’t know! I like. . . I like. . . boobies, I guess. Yes, boobies. And, uh, virginias. And, oh, bloody hell, what else do they got—
Mike: That’s fine: you’ve got the major distinctions there. So, do you have lots of adoring female fans?
Rob: Well, of course! I get all sorts of cards. Last tour, we got a Tupperware container full of cookies, which I believe you Americans call crackers—
Rob: —but the most interesting thing we’ve got so far, probably, is a whole roll of nude photos from this one fan. She was rather beautiful. Hot Heather, I think she called herself. . . Yes. Very interesting little surprise. Quite a treat for HETEROSEXUALS like myself.
Mike: I suppose it would be! Changing the subject, what’s your assessment of the relationship between you and the other band members?
Rob: I don’t know what you’re implying—
Mike: Well, you know, the professional relationship.
Rob: Oh! Yes. Of course. It’s good.
Mike: Care to be specific? Ben, for instance.
Rob: Umm, he’s new, can’t really say yet. . .
Mike: Okay, Neil?
Rob: He hits things with sticks. What else is there to say?
Mike: Uh, well, how about Brian?
Rob: Brian? Well, what do you think about him?
Mike: Um, I dunno. He seems all right.
Rob: Right. He doesn’t seem at all… nasal… to you?
Rob: Well, you know. You’ve heard the concert recordings. The whole [holds nose] “Texturrre…. Texturrre” thing he does in the background. Sounds a little like the rat from Charlotte’s Web, perhaps? I mean, I’m not trashing the fellow, but it’s a little disconcerting to have a thing of beauty soiled beyond recognition when he bursts in, you know: [sings] “You need to give me more [grabs nose] TEXTURRRE.”
Mike: I guess it never really bothered me.
Rob: Well, maybe you don’t tour with him, night after night. Let me tell you, there’s nothing quite so annoying as listening to a nasal man say, “Hey, we’re in Canada now!” every time you cross the bordeer, you know.
Mike: Um, yeah, I guess that would bother me a bit. Do you find touring enjoyable, otherwise, though?
Rob: Yes. Actually, I learn a lot from Texture, our website. They talk about the shows extensively. It turns out that I do little dances while I sing. I had no idea.
Mike: Any musical trend in the US that you like right now?
Rob: No, not really. The only thing I like, really, is mariachi music. Have I showed you my the photos I took with my mariachi band?
[Click here for Rob’s mariachi page.]
Rob: The last time we performed was in the States, at a place called Roy’s Western Smorgy.
Mike: Beg pardon?
Rob: Roy’s Western Smorgy. It’s a great place! You have all these little lines of food, and you can serve yourself. There’s fried chicken, corn convienently removed from the ear, pudding cups, even jelly salad. And there’s this fellow who will cut a slice of roast beef or ham for you.
Mike: But you sang there?
Rob: Yes. It’s the best gig in town. There’s got to be a couple hundred people there, and they’re all fat and jolly. They love a little mariachi music to go with their potatoes au gratin.
Mike: Is it hard to find that kind of a crowd in England?
Rob: Very hard. They don’t have Roy’s Western Smorgy there, I don’t think—well, perhaps they have it in Wales, but I don’t know if it’s quite worth paying for the ferry and all that.
Mike: Well, I hope you have a good crowd next time you come to the US. Let’s finish up by getting back to the first question—are you married?
Rob: [looks at watch] Oh, fuck! I’m late for my appointment at the tanning booth! Bloody hell! Sorry! It’ll have to wait till next time! Be seeing you!