“All of That” contest

Here’s our contest from 2003:

Because we at I Can’t Believe It’s Not Futter are incapable of learning anything from the fact that almost nobody participated in our last contest, we’re having another one. Here’s the idea…

We realize that Rob Dickinson is a lyrical genius, and that every song he has written must have taken hours and hours of careful thought. Except, of course, for “All of That.” Anyone could have written that son of a bitch!

So, now we’re giving you the opportunity to aspire toward the lowest level of Dickinsonian greatness! Simply post your own lyrics here. We’ll give out a prize to the best ones!


All we ask is that you submit one four-line “chorus” section. The original chorus, in case you don’t remember, goes like this:

I am gorgeous, I am right
I’ve left this planet but I’ll be back
I am delicious, I am fat
I am all of that

There are two other choruses as well. Refer to your lyric sheet.

Here are the rules, as developed by Mr. Dickinson himself. All three choruses follow them:

  1. Uniformity: The first three lines must begin with “I have,” “I am,” “I’ve,” or “I’m.” The fourth line must be “I am all of that.”
  2. Rhyme: The first line doesn’t have to rhyme with anything. The second and third lines should rhyme (loosely) with “that.” Note: if you’ve got something good that isn’t going to fit the rhyme scheme, we’ll let it slide. But it had better be really good, and you should still have some kind of rhyming going on, somewhere.
  3. Meter: Feel free to completely ignore this annoying element of songwriting.

If you’re feeling ambitious, you may write more than one chorus. You may also write verses. The same rules apply, except that the verses follow an AABB rhyme pattern (abstain/vain, fan/man). Oh, and if you are stuck with too short of a line, you may add the word “Yeah,” to give it a little padding. We only allow this because Rob did it.

Other than these rules, you’re free to do as you wish! We will be looking for the funniest lyrics, the weirdest, the most clever, and, if any of you are brave enough to attempt it, the most poignant.

Please post your entry or entries here ONLY, or else you will not be eligible for any prizes. By the way, we’ll be giving away some good stuff for this one!!!

You have until the end of Saturday, September 15. Enter as many times as you like. Best of luck.

Mike and Brittany.

P.S.: We will be competing with you, so you’d better take this seriously! :-)


Brittany’s entry

Well, this didn’t take me long at all!

I am moving, but I am parked
I am red, I am marked
Yeah, I’m the man
I am the leader of a one-man band
I am silent, I am Merck
I have no names remaining in my hat
I am dependent, I am trapped
I am all of that

I am Ben, I am Dave
I am now doing things my way
I have no clue I’m paying attention to you
I am Brian, I am Neil
Yeah, I am all of Catherine Wheel
I’ve been in front, I’ve been in back
I’ve been all of that
I’ve been all of that

I’m difficult, I am work
I have no names remaining in my hat
I am ambitious, I am strapped
I am all of that
I am all of that
I am all of that
And the time will come
When everybody is nobody
And I am everybody

Try and beat me! >:-)


Guitar Schmoe (Kyle Moore)’s entry (winner)

I am brilliant
But I am bitter
I have no fans that need a sitter
Oh it makes me sad
When teenie-weenies think I’m Carson’s dad

I am damaged
I am dirty
TRL banned anyone over thirty
I can’t scratch
And I’m not PHAT
I am all of that

I’m an artist
I am a scribe
But I can’t afford programmers’ bribes
It makes me mad
It cost thousands for a playlist add

We could do business like Marillion
But were more obsessed with selling millions
But I don’t suck &*!% like Durst and Stapp
I am all of that


I have great songs
And lots of fans
I can’t tell “what the fuck were holding in our hands”
It’s not enough our gigs are PACKED

I am all of that
I am all of that
I am all of that

Hurrah, it’s finally come!!
When every band is somebody
And any band is everybody

Yeah, any band is somebody
Yet every band is nobody

And every no-one’s somebody
And all the some-ones are nobody

nuff said,


Wheeldeal (Mike Henry)’s entry

I am human but I pillage
I’m self-consumed, I’m my own village
I am a fool; I do it all in the name of cool
I’m oblivious; I’m colonial
In a court of law my capers felonial
I am all set; I am unhinged
I am all of that; I am all of that

I am trying; I am thwarted
I am misguided; my figurative skin horribly warted
I’m baby blue balls; I am the beggar waiting to be called
I’ve been gleeful; I’ve been morose
Is our Mighty Juggernaut comatose?
I’ve been shucked; been given my hat
I’ve been all of that; I’ve been all of that

I am halfway; I’ve got room
I’ve left the battleground, will I be back?
I am hopeful; I am ecstatic
I am all of that; I am all of that

And soon the time will come; when cars won’t run on gas; and we’ll get off our ass

A bit of Apocalypticalia for ya.


fifthwheel (Keith)’s entry

I have no boobs, that’s why I’ve no fame
I may not be Britney, but I’m not fat
Yeah, I’m full of crap
But even that still cannot get me on the map
I am gay, I’m high on crack
I know my arm is full of smack
But I still brush my teeth to get rid of plaque
I am all of that.
I am all of that.

I’m not God, but he’s inside my head
And MTV has wished me dead
I drink crazy glue, I’m attached to Carson too
I don’t ever use the internet to chat
Dishwalla still think that I’m so PHAT
And I’m sick of thinking up stuff that rhymes with that
That’s why I am all of that
I am all of that

I’ve had sex with Michael Stipe
The one he mentioned in time, I’m the cat
But an opening slot? He laughed at that
I’ve had enough of that
I’ve had enough of that

And soon the time will come, when I am somebody, and everybody kneels before me…


nathisme (Nathan Watkins)’s entry (winner)

this is what i conceive to be MMMerck’s stance.

I’m not the boss, but was back when
I fired Dave and hired Ben
Yeah that’s how I deal
I used to manage Catherine Wheel
I’m a despot, I am light
I’ve hung myself through all my work
I’m the victim, though a jerk
I’m known as MMMerck
I’m known as MMMerck

I have woes now that I’m busted
Now I’m speechless, can’t be trusted
It’s what I feel, I am the anchor tied to The Wheel
I’ve been rich, though now I’m poor
I wrote myself right out the door
Never set up a better deal
I’m MMMerck of Catherine Wheel
I’m MMMerck of Catherine Wheel

And soon my ship will come
To make me somebody
Yeah nobody’s anybody

Brit, you’re a tough act to follow. ’tis why i had to follow a diff’rent path. good luck, suckas.


Don!’s entry (not a winner, but I like the ending)

I’m a tom, but I’ve been fixed
I am Persian I am mixed
Yeah I’m feline
I am sleeping in the warm sunshine
I am purring I am bright
I have catnip
Toys I like to attack
I am about to jump into your lap
I am Olive’s Cat(2x)
I am soft but I am matted
I am meowing I want to be patted
Yeah I’m watching you
I am the reason you buy cat food
I’ve been content I been mad
I’ve graced your life thank me for that
I’ve been locked out I’ve been let back
I’ve been all of that (2x)
I am rubbing against your leg
I have catnip toys I like to attack
I am about to jump into your lap
I am Olive’s Cat(3x)
Soon the time will come…

Something something something
(D12 style mumbling) Damn can’t think of anything
Popeye is somebody…
Everybody is Popeye…
I yam what I yam…
I am Olive’s Cat…

Guitar solo!


Mike G’s entry

I am cute, but I am naughty
I’ve not quite learned how big boys potty
But that’s okay
Mum’s wipeys keep the rash away
I always cry on key
I’m rock interpreted in sob
Attention-seeking, that’s my job
I am baby Rob
I am baby Rob

I am spoiled, yeah I’ll admit it
If I want it, I’ll cry and get it
A bib of silk
And Toblerone with mummy’s milk
Oshkosh leather pants
A Barbie Porsche with bucket seats
A slobber-proof Les Paul Elite
I am Robbie Pete
I am Robbie Pete

I’ve always had my way
They say, “Grow up,” but that’s the trick
It’s not a problem I can fix
I am thirty-six
I am thirty-six

But soon the time will come
When infancy is stylish
And I won’t seem so childish

And diapers won’t be ugly
And won’t fit quite so snugly

And diapers won’t be ugly
And won’t fit quite so snugly

(PS… “Rock interpreted in sob” is an anagram for “Robert Peter Dickinson.” Ain’t I


JOsh’s entry

I have decided to write a tribute to MIke and BRitt, the people who brought us this,
uh… wonderful contest! :) First, my tribute to MIke:


Well, now that that’s out of the way, here’s BRitt’s:

I am BRitt, and I love shoes
I spend lots of money on shampoo
I like to hunt pigs and deer
I’ll be in school for 10 more years
I’m paranoid beyond belief
I’m always looking behind my back
I’m heading for an early heart attack
I am all of that
I am all of that

I memorize Merck’s every word
Although I find most of them absurd
Knowledge of Merck is my aim
I even found out his real name!
I have a shelf full of classic rock
I recently saw Crosby, Stills, and Nash
After shoes, hair products, and vinyl I have no cash!
I am all of that
I am all of that

I am NOT a drama queen! >:-)
I swear that I’ve never smoked crack!
So what if I sat in Ronald’s lap?
I am all of that
I am all of that

And soon the time will come
When my degree will be acquired
And I’ll be ready to retire!


Britt’s second entry

From Dave’s point of view:
I am friendly, but I am pissed
I was fired, I am missed
I was let go
I am living in rural Ohio
I was replaced, I am old
No one will ever know all of the facts
I am resentful, I am sad
I will get Rob back
I will get Rob back

I am out, I am sick
I’m sorry I used a pick
I have no view, it’s a “contractual issue”
I am British, I am Yank
I have no one but Rob to thank
I’ve been stepped on, I’ve been hurt bad
I will get Rob back
I will get Rob back

I’m discarded, I was tested
No one will ever know all of the facts
I’m a scientist, I am mad
I will get Rob back
I will get Rob back
I will get Rob back
And the time will come
When chemistry is novelty
And conformity is idolatry

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